Another beautiful day. I must get out today for a walk. The weather is a mild 28 degrees. I'm feeling pretty normal. It feels GREAT! We enjoyed watching some of the Sunday-morning shows that we taped, skipping through the commercials.
My walking partner, Betsey, and I walked to downtown Rochester on the Clinton River Trail. We walked around town viewing all the ice sculptures for the Fire and Ice Celebration and worked our way to the Royal Park Hotel. I'm avoiding inside crowds/groups of people. As usual on a Sunday, the Royal Park restaurant was empty. Betsey had their special of ribs and coleslaw ($7) and since I'd eaten just before we started walking, I had a delicious apple dessert. We had a nice visit and then walked home. It was a beautiful walk. The sun was shining, the sky a deep blue and the snow a brilliant white. Betsey says it was 4.25 miles. I say it was more like 3 miles since we walked diagonally from Veteran's Point. I forgot to use my RunKeeper app on my iPhone. That would have ended the discussion. Whatever, it was a great walk!
I'm feeling so fortunate to be feeling so good. If I'd lost my memory, I wouldn't have a clue that I'd had chemotherapy. Thanks to all of you for your incredible support. It does make a difference.
Day 13: Saturday, January 29, 2011:
Up around eight o'clock after eight good hours of sleep. I'm ready to "tackle the world". I'm feeling fine--quite normal, no pain or side effects and have my usual energy. I did laundry and administrative jobs that needed doing. I was able to do some reading and catch up on some emails. I'm liking being at home and getting things done and also having leisure time. Life is good!
Days 11 & 12: Thursday & Friday, January 28, 2011:
Friday Afternoon: I enjoyed being home alone with the the house quiet and the ability to concentrate and work at something I enjoy. I spent time on my blog and a bunch of administrative things that needed doing. I'm feeling quite normal. The meds the doctor gave me took care of the few things that were getting my attention.
Now that I've mastered the iPhone app by Comcast (Xfinity), we have lots of recorded shows to view and we can zoom through the ads. Geez, it's a major improvement to TV watching.
Friday Morning: Yesterday morning I met with Leah, the social worker at my doctors office. As I expected, she was an incredible help. She's a great listener and spoke the words and info that were a great help to me. I left feeling renewed and invigorated. I wish all of you could meet her--you'd love her, too.
And, good, long-time friends (notice I didn’t say “old friends”) stopped by in the afternoon. It felt so good to be with them. They were a great help to Don and to me, too. I hooked up my laptop to our big TV and we viewed their photos from their trip to Florida--as well as other photos on Diane's thumb drive. It was just what both of us needed.
Our family situation is much better, too. All the crisis have allowed for some good communication in spite of the nasty stuff that came first. Difficult times are all opportunities for growth--we're all changing.
My doctor called yesterday evening to see how I was doing. I'm so impressed with the lady's compassion and caring. She asked about everything we'd talked about at my appointment earlier in the week -- which are all gone now. Then she said that I was at my 'lowest' point and that I'd be getting better every day. I told her if that were true, I'd be better than before I started. She got a big laugh out of my comment. I was serious. I feel fine.
Yesterday, I did computer work in the morning, cleaned up, drove to Clarkston, spent 1 1/2 hours with Leah, drove back, made about a zillion business phone calls for a couple of hours, visited with friends for several more (setting up TV/computer and all kinds of stuff), fixed a quick dinner for Don and I, talked with Cathy about a bunch of things that interest her, straightened up around here, read some and went to sleep. Probably more than most 69-year-olds are doing.
I slept well again last night (that's my pattern again) and was up around 8:00 and have been busy all morning. Can't ask for anything more.
Don and Donny went to Chuck's Jordan's memorial today. Donny was asked to be the photographer. I would have loved to attend; too many people, too many opportunities for bugs to jump on me.
Don and Donny picked up Donny's car last night. He calls it his "Ritalin" car, cause it mellows him out!
Just wanted to let you know that we're back on an even keel again. Don't stop your good thoughts for our family, though... I continue to keep all of you in my prayers and well wishes.
Days 9 & 10: Tuesday and Wednesday, January 25, 26, 2011:
I've thought hard and long about including the following. I decided I needed to in order to tell my real experience. These past couple of days have been the toughest days that I've had in many a year...not physically, but emotionally. I realize that I'm not on this journey alone. My whole family is traveling with me even if it wasn't their choice).
For those who know me you'd likely agree that I'm the matriarch of our family or the linchpin/keystone. When Jeff was young (maybe 5, 6 or 7) a a good friend/priest joined us for dinner and asked Jeff, "Who's the boss in your family?" Jeff quickly answered, "My Dad is the president, but...my Mom is chairman of the board." Who knows where he learned that, but he did make us all aware of what was going on in our family.
Anyway, this past week brought some big crisis/tough challenges to family members. Unfortunately, when we're in a tough position, very often fear takes over. That's what happened to a couple family members.
Fear can show itself as--anger, withdrawal, inappropriate conflict, defensive behavior, anxiety, etc. I think it showed itself in all of the above ways--and I seemed to be the target of the ranting. Usually, I can deflect the behavior with comforting words. Not this time. I joined right in. I was disappointed and completely fell apart...I guess I could say "the rock broke". I cried, I banged a book on table several times...as hard as I could. I withdrew. I did my best to meditate, regroup and gain back my balance, my sense of peacefulness and my joy. Balance is the key to health in many ways. I know that other people don't have to change for me to experience peace of mind.
I believe that love is the opposite of fear. We are all made from love--unconditional love; not the jealous, possessive kind, and I also believe that everything that isn't love is fear. I believe that if someone seems angry or jealous, or they feel guilty or they're acting judgmental, they are really just afraid of something--rejection, or loss of power/control, being abandoned, things like that." People do awful things to each other based on past perceptions. That's why we need to let go of the past. It's easy to do if we realize that we're only hurting ourselves. When I believe that the past has no power over me, I live in the present moment. When I'm in the present moment, I'm free of fear of the future. I don't have to be afraid of what 'I think' might happen to me and become stressed and depressed. I know that what I give my thought to is what gets bigger in my life. So, I focus my thoughts on love and give my brain a rest from scary thoughts. When I feel love in my life (internally through my God/spirit/energy who lives in me and through friends/family) I find a way to live in the flow of that love every day -- no room for fear. In some ways it's like having heaven here on earth...
A very old book that helped me to embrace these words, is: Love is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald (Jerry) Jampolsky, M.D. Another book that changed my life is: A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.
Day 9: Tuesday, January 25, 2011, Morning:
As you might have noticed I'm having a tough time just keeping up my blog. Actually, I'm doing very very well considering what my friends before me experienced with their chemo. My challenges have been from side effects mostly from drugs. Last night I slept very well. In the meantime, other parts of my body that are affected by the chemo (fast-producing cells) are showing themselves...my mouth, throat, intestines, etc. They easily get irritated because of the lack of mucous. These are mostly controllable with vigilance. So my day seems to be spent eating as often as possible (to keep up my weight) rinsing/cleaning my mouth afterwards, taking probiotics at regular intervals, hand cream on skin, lip balm every hour and other pro-active moves (you get the idea).
I'm off all meds now (that's a full-time job managing them the first five days).
Today I met with my doctor. My white count is up so my bones are doing what they're supposed to be doing thanks to the Neulasta shot. In the meantime, she recommended that I continue to stay away from groups of people; eliminating the risk of infection. She checked me over and recommended that I take Diflucan/Fluconazole (100mg.) for a few days to reduce side effects of mouth sores and tract infections. Dr. Jasti is doing her part to help me feel good through this therapy. She also gave me some Xylocaine viscous/Lideocaine to paint onto any mouth sores. I had a few starting on my tongue--wow, it's magic in that it numbs the area and NO pain.
All in all, I'd say that I'm doing GREAT! My doctor and friends have all said that my first session is pretty much a pattern of what I'll be experiencing. I'm hoping and believing that to be true. We know what's worked and where improvements can be made. Hey, the next session ought to be a breeze...
This is the first time I've ever said that I'd like to be in a warm environment this time of year. I could be out walking if that were the case, it's been just too cold for that until now. I hesitate to walk at the OPC since that could expose me to infection.
Keep the prayers and positive words/energy coming this way. I'm continuing to keep all of my family/friends in my prayers and positive thoughts (includes you). We are all connected and one; we do affect one another. Let's take advantage of that and respond in a way that we can all benefit.
Day 8: Monday, January 24, 2011, Afternoon:
Afternoon: (In response to many who have suggested medicinal marijuana) Yes, my doctor mentioned it (evidently it comes in a pill form--or that's what I surmised). I have an appetite and am eating a lot of food almost all day and evening. It's just that the Milk of Magnesia (4th day) cleaned everything out. Also, I think with the high pulse rate that I'd been having (not today, thank goodness) revs my metabolism. Who knows. I'm enjoying eating, it just takes a lot of time/work. Everytime I finish eating something I have to brush my teeth and gargle mouthwash, salt/baking soda water and club soda...by then I'm ready to eat again.
I'm really feeling mostly pretty good, especially during the day. A little 1/2 hour nap does the trick for tiredness. I'm feeling very, very grateful--no nausea and hardly any bone aches--more like just the usual. If our weather were warmer and no snow; I'd go out for a walk. I'm feeling up to it.
My oncology doctor has been great; I can't say enough about how supportive/helpful she is and always available. Her name is Dr. Jasti. She works out of the Karmanos-Crittenton Cancer Center in Rochester. She's warm, caring and knowledgeable. Can't ask for more.
You're right, getting old is not for sissies. love, Joey
Morning: I keep promising myself that I'll update my blog--today will be the day! I want you to know I'm doing really, really well. Anyway, I'm off all meds including Aleve and Motrin which gave me incredibly ringing in my ears (I always have tinnitis). I've had fast heart rates (in the low 90's; usual for me 60's and 70's) that caused pounding in my head/body at night and I think contributed to the brain activity. Last night I slept well. I wake every couple of hours to go to the bathroom cause I'm drinking around the clock--that seems to help me. I started this journey saying I'd take "one day at a time". That's worked well. Now, I have to take "one night at a time", too.
Also, I notice I can only talk to people a couple times a day or I get a bit of a sore throat and a gravelly voice. On the day I started chemo I had a sore throat and my white count was low (it was attributed to a viral infection). I've been fighting the sore throat the whole time with it gradually moving to drainage probably from my sinus on my left side.
I'm reading, watching TV shows I've recorded and movies...life isn't bad. I'd love to go out walking but it's been much too cold. I did go with Don to Meijers on Saturday and walked all around the store. It felt good to do that. I wasn't exhausted when I came home although I'd napped before I went since I hadn't slept the night before.
Another Note sent on Monday:
I slept well last night. I wake every two hours to go to the bathroom and drink 12 oz of warm tea or milk. I find that if I can continue to keep fluids going in me, I feel much better. As Gilda Radner said, "If it isn't one thing it's another...bloody nose, itchy bottom...nothing major just little challenges. At least my head/brain is feeling closer to normal and not racing. All in all, I'm feeling quite good.
Today's challenge again will be to get food in me every couple of hours...I'm continuing to lose weight--down to one pound more than when we married--which was my low weight since probably 6th or 7th grade. I realize that I am not a snack eater or a junk food eater. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy good dark chocolate, delicious pies or home-made (or Costco) cookies. Usually, one cookie does it for me (unless it's those little ginger cookies).
My Dad was right when he said, "When we get older, we have to keep about 5-10 pounds in reserve in case we have a medical challenge." Heed his advice. Thanks for caring and remembering me in your prayers. hugs, Joey
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